This story has been in the news for several days. I’ve not written about this because I didn’t want to give it any more thunder. Yet here it is because the more I think about it, the madder I get.
The Strawberry Pop-Tart Lady.
I must first offer the following disclaimer. I don’t eat Pop-Tarts anymore. I haven’t had one for decades. I gave up all “sweets” when I was 16 years old. The list is large. “Sweets” include things that are high in sugar — cakes, pies, cookies, waffles, muffins, cupcakes, candy, Swedish Fish, and Pop-Tarts.
The disclaimer continues. When I ate sweets, Pop-Tarts were high on my list. We didn’t get them at home. Eggs and bacon family, blah, blah, blah. So once I had some spending money of my own, I would buy sweet treats. Strawberry Pop-Tarts were one of my favorites. I’d eat them toasted. I’d eat them right from the pack. It made no difference. They were foil-wrapped glory.
Back in those days, I didn’t bother to read the label on them. Had I ventured, I would have found a lot of things. There is more wheat in Strawberry Pop-Tarts than anything. And the second ingredient is Dextrose. That’s another name for sugar. Dried strawberries are way down the list. They come even after salt and leavening.
Now, let’s get back to the Strawberry Pop-Tart Lady.
A woman has filed a new lawsuit claiming that the strawberry filling in Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts has more pears and apples than strawberries. The woman says this misnaming has caused her pain and suffering.
The story is true yet beyond belief. The food corporation is being sued in a new class-action suit over claims that they’re misleading buyers about what’s in the pastry.
The woman’s name is Elizabeth Russett, from New York. The afflicted one. The lawsuit asserts that the sweet filling of the breakfast treat doesn’t have strawberries. Not enough to elicit a strawberry taste.
Russett is urging Pop-Tarts to adopt more accurate labeling and claims the damages exceed $5 million.
I’m angry about this for a lot of reasons.
For one thing, it is clear that she is simply looking to get rich quick, and the Pop-Tart is the innocent bystander of her scheme. If we run with her thinking — that there are more pears and apples than strawberries — I would like to point out the top three ingredients. Flour. Dextrose. Soybean Oil. Then comes more wheat, more sugar. And then glycerin. Still, way ahead of strawberries is salt, starch, and leavening.
So what the F*@k do we call a Strawberry Pop-Tart? “Flour Dextrose Oil Pop-Tart?”
Strawberry Pop-Tart is nothing more than a made-up name for something. No one is saying it is an actual strawberry. This is right along the lines of Cheetos and Milky Ways. What the heck are those? Cheetahs and galaxy systems? No, I say. How about Milk Duds? Do we call Fig Newtons as such because we think Isaac is in the cookie? Or Wayne? Good lord almighty.
The second thing. She is draining our system resources in an effort to get rich. Our courts are busy enough without some Fruit Loop filing a lawsuit. What do we call those now? And how about Cap’n Crunch while we’re at it. And are Tater Tots supposed to have children in the ingredients?
Ban her from buying all these things. Spanx included.
There are much bigger problems in the world than the filling in Pop-Tarts. The Earth is failing. Nature is turning on us, as such. Big corporations and countries are some of the major corruptors. If old Lizzy Russett wants to get her panties all bunched up, she may as well do it over something worthwhile, like climate change. Before we completely run out of strawberries.
Meanwhile, let Aisle Seven alone. Leave the Pop-Tarts where they are, and just as they are — putting smiles on millions of little faces at breakfast time.
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“You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant.”
― Harlan Ellison
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“Stupidity is the same as evil if you judge by the results.”
― Margaret Atwood, Surfacing
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“Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.”
― Laurence J. Peter, The Peter Principle
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Apples and Oranges. Or Strawberries.
