I haven’t worked in an office in years. I can’t say that I miss it. There are meetings, papers being pushed around, ill-placed water coolers, year-end office parties, and such. It’s all very extrovert-ish. I needed just one more wall on my cubicle, I’d say.
Anyway, there are is a lot of chatter in offices. Everyone wanting to let everyone else know that they are getting done what needs to be done. And when you meet about these things, the jargon flies.
Jargon. Yes, those special words that are sometimes difficult to understand, because so many times, they don’t have a thing to do with the price of tea in China. You see?
It appears that many who are around the jargon, don’t like the jargon. And here are the top five most disliked phrases, in our current jargon-filled system.
1. Touch base
2. No brainer
3. Punch a puppy
4. Game changer
5. Pick it up an run with it
Let’s break them down, one by one.
• Touch base. When someone says that they are going to “touch base” with “so & so” about “something” — what they are REALLY saying is that they have no intention of calling the guy whatsoever, but at the next meeting, they will tell everyone that they “reached out to him” and they haven’t heard back. Because ultimately, the person speaking simply wants to do things their own way, and they’ll keep running this charade until that all pans out. Touch base.
A sidebar and special note about the term “reaching out.” It used to be that we would just “contact” someone. You’d say, “Oh sure. I’ll give Joey a call.” OR. “Yes boss. I’ll contact Mabel tomorrow.” But now, all of a sudden, everyone is “reaching out” to people. Like they live in a third-world country, or they’re drowning in some icy pond. Reaching out to them. Back to the list.
• No brainer. Of course we all know the meaning behind it. A no brainer, is, welllll, a no brainer. This concept is so simple, so evident, so very clear, that any simpleton could understand that this is how it goes. But it is a bit condescending, don’t you think? Perhaps what is one woman’s no brainer, is another woman’s I have no freaking clue what you are talking about. Which is probably why it is second on the list. Another no brainer.
• Punch a puppy.
Punch a puppy?
What? Seriously. Punch a puppy? What the hell is this? What could this possibly mean — to punch a puppy? That’s unspeakable. Ghastly, even. Punch a puppy. I’ll punch you, buddy, if you punch a puppy. I can’t take it. No wonder this is on the hated jargon list. This should be the first one. Numero Uno.
I can’t imagine, being in any office situation, where someone would say, “My god, Kevin. I’d say Judy really punched the puppy on that one.” Again, what the hell? Punch the puppy. Terrible.
After I heard this, I had to go over and hug Lou.
I hugged him so hard, he squeaked out a little doggie fart.
Maybe the jargon has something to do with doggie farts and stinking behavior.
Or maybe I am way wrong about this, and it is like, Whack-a-Mole. Where everyone is supposed to be whacking the mole, but instead they are missing the boat. They are out of the loop. Maybe they can’t get their ducks in a row. It could be that somebody ran it up the flagpole, and. Well.
Or perhaps, they picked it up and ran with it. The game changer.
Or did they put lipstick on the pig?
I think if nothing else, it is painfully clear that I am no longer suitable for office work. Not only because I can’t punch the puppy. But more so because where I work now, I have my puppy with me all the time. Otherwise, I would get punchy.
Don’t drink the water cooler water. I’m serious about that.
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“Jargon: any technical language we do not understand.”
— Mason Cooley, American wit
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“Aim for brevity while avoiding jargon.”
— Edsger Dijkstra, Dutch systems scientist
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“My favorite health-care euphemism I’ve heard so far (i.e., the one I cringe the most at) is saying ‘celestial discharge’ to mean that a patient died!”
— Attendee in one of Ann’s Writing That Sells workshops
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