As Jan Brady used to say, “It’s always Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!”
That’s probably how all the Henry’s feel. You know. About Henry the VIII. He’s the only one we ever hear about. Number Eight. Cut a few heads off, and you’re forever inscribed in the marble slab of history.
But no one cares about one through seven. No one ever mentions them. It is all in how those cards are dealt.
Oooooooohhhh…..
I’m ‘Enery the Eighth, I am,
‘Enery the Eighth I am, I am!
I got married to the widow next door,
She’s been married seven times before
And every one was an ‘Enery
She wouldn’t have a Willie nor a Sam
I’m her eighth old man named ‘Enery
‘Enery the Eighth, I am!
Second Verse. Same as the First!
See what I mean? Eight even has a song. He’s had movies. The rest of the Henry’s? Not so much.
But. Today is the birthday of Henry II.
Poor guy. He’s the Sequel, I suppose.
First, there was a Henry, and then, Henry 2.
Nevertheless, he was born in 1519. In France somewhere. Good thing, as he was the King of France. For twelve years. Not to be confused with the English Henry’s. But it is easy to do, all because of Number 8. Number 8. Number 8. Most people don’t even realize that France had a string of Henry’s.
But get this. H8 ended his rule of England in 1547.
H2 began his rule of France in 1547. They were intermingling on the timelines which adds to the mayhem.
As far as I can tell, Henry the II’s main concern was the repression of Protestants. The systematic persecution of them. He has been identified as a “bigoted Catholic.”
But if you ask me, his death was his greatest accomplishment. You see, Henry II was an avid hunter and a participant in jousts and tournaments. So one June day in 1559, there was a tournament being played, and he decided to play with it.
Now, Henry II was married and all. To Queen Catherine. But his true love was with his Mistress, a woman named Diane de Poitiers. And during this tournament, he was “wearing Diane’s colors.” I bet that hacked off Catherine.
Anyway. There was a jousting match, with King Henry, all up on his horse, wearing the colors of his mistress Diane de Poitiers. He rumbled along and blammo, he took a hit in the eye. It wasn’t a direct hit from that big jouster stick, just a big hunking shard of wood. Despite the efforts of the royal surgeon, the king died of sepsis on 10 July 1559.
Isn’t there some sort of bible verse about a plank in your eye?
Regardless. His death played a significant role in the decline of jousting as a sport, particularly in France.
But remember how I thought Catherine might be ticked off about Henry’s choice of colors? As he lay dying, Queen Catherine limited access to his bedside and denied his mistress Diane de Poitiers permission to see him. Even though he kept asking for Diane, over and over again. Once Henry died, Catherine sent Diane into exile, where she lived in comfort on her own properties until her death.
And that’s the story of the sequel.
As far as I can tell, there were only four French Henry’s and eight English Henry’s. If it would come up for you on Trivia Night.
One more thing about Henry II’s death. A farmer in his kingdom died on the same exact day, right down to the minute.
And.
They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.
“Both of you were very good men,” says St. Peter, “but heaven is getting crowded and I can only allow one of you in. What can you do?”
The farmer planted a pear tree, and it grew huge, delicious fruits.
“Wonderful,” said St. Peter. “What can you do, your majesty?”
The king immediately went to the nearest toilet and flushed it.
Ultimately, St. Peter made the decision to allow the king into heaven.
And the moral of the story? A royal flush always wins against a pear, no matter how big.
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“We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.” –Kurt Vonnegut
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“One of the tests of leadership is the ability to recognize a problem before it becomes an emergency.” –Arnold Glasow
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“The quality of a leader is reflected in the standards they set for themselves.” –Ray Kroc
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