Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Did you ever have one of those days?
Probably not as bad as my uncle. About a month before he died, he put lard on his back. Then he went downhill, fast.
But lately, I’ve been thinking about work.
Like the time I got fired from my job at the Calendar Factory.
All I did was take a day off.
After that I helped out at a Doctor’s Office. One day, I told him,
“Doctor, there’s a patient on Line 1 that says he’s invisible.”
The doctor said, “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
Did I tell you I tried my hand at electrical work?
Most people are shocked when they find out how incompetent I am as an electrician.
Now, my new boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch, it might be me.
Yeah, sometimes, things just go wrong. Like,
The other day, I wanted to buy a Zippo Lighter on ebay.
So, I tried to look up lighters. And,
all they had was 13,749 matches.
And addiction. Where do we even start with that one? First, stay out of bars.
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
Second, say no to drugs.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
And third, there’s always a hope for recovery.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
Some people say food is an addiction. It causes trouble, that’s for sure.
Like, why do you think the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
And. Do you know the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nuts are just under a buck.
The other day I was terribly hungry, so I ordered 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup.
It was Won Ton.
Finally, we just have to face the world with a positive outlook.
This morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself, that’s a nice Jester.
And. I’m trying a new health fad.
Do you know what happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
Every morning you will rise and shine.
My best move of all?
It was the first time I got a universal remote control.
I thought to myself “This changes everything”.
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“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
– Abraham Lincoln
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“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
– Alan Dundes
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“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
– Andy Rooney
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