Here’s the thing about always listening to quotes. They don’t always fit life as we know it. And more importantly, sometimes they are a complete load of crap. Point in case. Constance Richards once said: “Cousins are friends that will love you forever.”
We don’t have to travel very far through history to see this quote isn’t true. If we go back to this date, February 1, 1587, we find that Queen Elizabeth I of England signed the death warrant for her cousin, Mary, Queen of Scots.
I love you so much I’m gonna’ have to kill ya’.
Oh, the story of those two cousins. By my rough count over at Imdb, there are almost 70 movies about Elizabeth I, listed by her keyword search. And her cousin, Mary Queen of Scots, has a slew of movies about her too. Just not quite as many.
Before the movies, there were the books. I’ve never read a book about either one of these women. Truthfully, I haven’t watched any of the movies about them either. I’ll get to that in a moment.
This little chunk of history all gets so complicated. I swear the English royalty was almost as bad as the Romans.
Like this.
Elizabeth was the daughter of Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn. Anne was Henry’s second wife, and he had her executed when Elizabeth was 21⁄2 years old. Oh. Bringing up baby.
Since he owned the church, Anne’s marriage to Henry VIII was annulled, and Elizabeth was declared illegitimate. So. Her half-brother Edward VI ruled until his very early death in 1553. There are much simpler plots over at “All My Children” and “Days of our Lives.” Anyway. He bequeathed the crown to Lady Jane Grey, at the same time, ignoring the claims of his two half-sisters. They would be the Roman Catholic Mary and the younger (still illegitimate) Elizabeth. Apparently, there was some statute law that claimed differently.
So that led to Edward’s will being set aside. With Edward out of the way, Catholic Mary became queen, deposing Lady Jane Grey. During Mary’s reign, Elizabeth was imprisoned for nearly a year on suspicion of supporting Protestant rebels. Forget about cousin love. How about the sisterly love?
It goes on, crazily. In 1558, Elizabeth succeeded to the throne and set out to rule by good counsel upon her half-sister’s death. Apparently, she didn’t do it alone. She depended heavily on a group of trusted advisers. This was led by a guy named William Cecil. If you aren’t quite following this, neither am I.
So. She decided to get the whole church thing in place. The royals and their churches. I think they did this so that when they murdered people, they could call on their god to absolve them. Anyway. One of her first actions as queen was establishing an English Protestant church, of which she became the supreme governor. The new Church of England.
They all expected Elizabeth to get married right away and start pushing out babies. Little heirs. But. She never did. Her 44 years on the throne provided welcome stability for the English kingdom. Elizabeth helped forge a sense of national identity.
That’s just part of the story. In short. Mary, Queen of Scots, didn’t rule little dogs. She led Scotland. They had a bunch of turmoil there. Loads. And Mary was always in the thick of it. She ended up getting imprisoned in Scotland and then escaped.
So. Good and loving cousin, Queen Elizabeth, initially welcomed Mary. But Elizabeth was soon forced to put her friend under house arrest. It was because Mary became the focus of various Catholic plots to overthrow Elizabeth. Nineteen years later, in 1586, a major plot to murder Elizabeth was reported, and Mary was brought to trial. She was convicted for complicity, found guilty of treason, and sentenced to death by her cousin. Easy come. Easy go, cousin.
Oh? And the reason I can’t read those books or watch those movies? Their pasty makeup. It creeps me out. Seeps into the pages of the books, right from the films.
But back to the point. Quotes are only as good as the people saying them. And sometimes, they are dumber than a box of rocks.
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“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”
— Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President
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“Everything that can be invented has been invented.”
— Charles H Duell, Commissioner of US Office of Patents, 1899
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I think we agree, the past is over.
— George W Bush
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Kissing cousins? Killing it.
