The truth about frozen peas

In 1899, on this date, March 27, Gloria Swanson was born.

The whole big name was Gloria May Josephine Swanson (March 27, 1899 – April 4, 1983). We know her best as an actress, I think. But she was a businesswoman too.

She first achieved fame acting in dozens of silent films in the 1920s. While she never won one, Gloria was nominated three times for the Academy Award for Best Actress. She was married six times and had three children. I don’t know their names. I’m more concerned with who her uncle or cousin might be.

You see, I am sure it was kept under wraps. A huge secret. But I am betting that she was directly related to Carl A. Swanson, the Swedish immigrant who was born in 1879. The Carl Swanson of frozen food fame. The man responsible for the aluminum trays, that would miraculously go from freezer to oven and yield a Salisbury Steak and mashed potatoes with peas, every dang time.

They were revolutionary in the 1950s when Swanson began calling their frozen meals “TV dinners.” The world accepted this ground-breaking concept and realized those peas were suitable for eating on a folding tray in one’s living room while watching television.

But really, it was a nefarious plan.

The end of the sit-down dinner was nigh. The dinner table moved in front of the television. And America would be forever changed. The X-Box would be right around the corner, crumbling any semblance of good form and sensibility.

I bet Gloria was somehow behind it all, because if you look closely at her photos, she has the same eyes as evil Natasha, from Rocky and Bullwinkle.

And you can quote me on that and say you heard it here first.