I don’t drink anymore. Alcohol, that is.
Of course, I drink other things, like water, coffee, juice, and soda. But that’s it. I quit drinking alcohol about 17 years ago because I figured I’d had my fair share by then. It was high time I gave someone else a chance.
In one of my many lives of Polly, I used to be a bartender. I don’t do that anymore. The hours are too late for me now. I’m in bed when most of the revelers are just rolling out.
Now, you would think with all that experience, I’d know a thing or two about alcohol. But really, I do not. I was a good bartender, as I have a great memory. I learned a recipe one time through and stuck with me. So would your order. I’d remember exactly what you drank at my bar, from visit to visit.
But. As far as the intricacies of alcohol? I couldn’t tell you what makes a Schnapp, schnapply. Or what makes a Brandy, brandier.
The same goes for the Whiskies. For all I know, a good whisky is something on a kitten’s face.
But. There are those who do know and make a thing of it. The wine snobs, and such.
Well. Today I learned an interesting thing. The first written record of Scotch Whisky appears in the “Exchequer Rolls” of Scotland. A gentleman named Friar John Cor was the distiller. And the first mention of Scotch Whisky was born, on June 1, 1495. A long, long time ago.
Notice my two spellings, though. Whiskey or Whisky. Both are technically correct. American and Irish brands will most often use the “Whiskey” spelling, while Scotland, Canada, and a large portion of the EU tend to use the “Whisky” spelling. So now you have it, if ordering abroad.
Anyway, everything is whiskey, when it comes to the whiskeys. Scotch. Bourbon. And Regular Old Whiskey.
So simply put. Whisky is the overall category. Bourbon and Scotch are distinct types of whisky.
Apparently, all whiskies are distilled, barrel-aged spirits. Not the “boo” kind, but the “drinks-poo” kind. And, all of them are made from fermented grain.
Rules, rules. Bourbon and Scotch have specific requirements as to which type of grain they use when they distill the stuff. 
Scotch is made from a single type of grain, usually barley. I like barley. My mom used to make a mean barley soup. If that matters.
And good old bourbon is made with a minimum of 51% corn. Then. Other grains are added to make the whiskey taste sweeter or spicy. Mom never made corn chowder as far as I remember, just for the record.
So here is another big difference. Bourbon can only be made in the United States. That’s right. The good old USA.
And scotch as the name suggests can only be made in Scotland. No ifs, and, or buts. Typically though, the epicenter of bourbon is in Kentucky. Yes — 95% of all bourbon comes from the Bluegrass State. They should probably rename Kentucky, the Bourbonopolis State.
Bourbon has to be aged in new, charred American white oak barrels. I guess a day would be long enough, as there are no minimum requirements for its aging process.
To make Scotch, there seem to be six steps. Malting. Mashing. Fermentation. Distilling. Maturation. Blending. It is important that you don’t skip any of these, otherwise, you get Hop Scotch.
So there it is. All because some monk named John got together with his pals and did the Mash. In 1495.
But really it started so much earlier. Nobody knows exactly when humans began to create fermented beverages. The great imbibe. The earliest known evidence comes from 7,000 BCE in China. Archeologists have found residue in clay pots. This sludge revealed that people were making an alcoholic beverage from fermented rice, millet, grapes, and honey.
I don’t plan on starting to drink again. But if I ever did? With my OCD cleaning issues, I’d have to tell that bartender that I’d like a Scotch. Neat.
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“I began to think vodka was my drink at last. It didn’t taste like anything, but it went straight down into my stomach like a sword swallowers’ sword and made me feel powerful and godlike.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar
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“Alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, may produce all the effects of drunkenness.”
― Oscar Wilde
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“Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable.”
― G.K. Chesterton, Heretics
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