I’ve often wondered what it would be like to be a news reporter. You know. One of the talking heads, sitting there at the Channel Three News Desk, with a little three on my blazer pocket.
If I could pick my own news, I think it would be fun — to sit there all somber-faced and spout out my headlines — with my own commentary, of course.
There was a time when reporters did not editorialize. Now it is rare to see a newscast without at least one comment that is an opinion-expresser.
My broadcast would go something along these lines.
“This just in, folks. More people study English in China than speak it in the United States. More than 300 million people study it there. And they probably speak it much better, if I had to guess.”
I’d tilt my head here for effect. Then I’d straighten my papers before continuing.
“Muhammad is thought to be the most popular name in the world. With all its spelling variations, it ranks number one. This is followed by Maria. And then Nushi.” I, for one, would not name my kid Nushi, as it sounds too much like sushi, and that would only cause a series of playground fights from grades two through eight. Also, for the record, I would not name my country Abu Dhabi. It sounds too much like something Fred Flintstone would say. Yabba Dabba Abu Dhabi.”
I’d pause here and look right at the camera.
“In other news. Slugs have four noses. Just so you know. They can smell the salt coming which makes it all the more cruel.”
“Also, this just in. Your head weighs eight pounds. So does mine. In fact, the average human head weighs eight pounds. For those bowlers out there. The average weight of the bowling ball is between eight and sixteen pounds for adults. Kids use the eight-pounders, which I remind you now, is the size of your head.”
I’d look distressed momentarily.
“Here’s a cautionary tale for our viewers out there. After five years of waiting for the electric chair, convicted murderer Michael Goodwin had his sentence reduced to life. He later accidentally electrocuted himself while sitting on a metal toilet. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.”
A joke. This added to endear me to the audience.
“And now this. The Minneapolis phone book has 21 pages of Andersons. If you are an Anderson, you may want to avoid this area to escape confusion.”
Clear my throat slightly here. Another glance at the camera.
“From the medical world. Recent findings have shown that the mouth is the dirtiest part of the human body. It contains over 700 types of bacteria. So your mothers may have been on to something with those bars of soap.”
A slight pause.
“And finally, folks. It would take you approximately 18 months to walk all the way along The Great Wall of China. The wall is over 5,000 miles long. And to dispel the misinformation being reported widely across the internet, Humpty Dumpty did not take his great fall from the Great Wall of China. Reliable sources have reported the wall was in England.”
A small smile and nod to the camera.
“And that’s your Channel Three evening news. I’m Polly Kronenberger. Until next time, be safe out there.”
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“News travels fast in places where nothing much ever happens.”
― Charles Bukowski, Ham on Rye
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“I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories. ”
― Dave Barry
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“. . . the newspapers of Utopia, he had long ago decided, would be terribly dull.”
― Arthur C. Clarke, 2001: A Space Odyssey
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My news. And I would cast it.
