I’m starting an advice column, I think.
I’ll begin each installment with a disclaimer.
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WARNING: Read this advice column at your own risk. The author, me, has had varying rates of successes and failures throughout all of life. Heck, the same goes for every day. But we all have opinions on how things should be done. Here are some of mine.
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Yep. The disclaimer would go something like that. And then I’d start writing.
I’d make it sort of like Dear Abby. But more practical, around-the-house, kind of stuff.
And I’d also make up the weekly letters from my adoring fans since no one would write in, most likely.
Like this.
__________________________
Dear Polly,
I need some general tips about living life effectively. I always seem to be making dumb mistakes. Can you help?
Searching for answers,
Meandering Mom
Dear Meandering Mom,
Here is the biggest rule when it comes to making mistakes:
• Don’t be the first to applaud at a classical music concert.
This is hazardous to your self-esteem. Trust me on this. Please know that musicians often take a short break between movements during which the audience watches in silence. However, to the common Joe, it may seem as though the piece is over. Done. Fin. But I assure you, the music will play on. Unless you know the piece being played and are confident the musicians have actually finished – don’t start clapping. Just sit still and wait for others to start clapping. Then you can join in. You’ll thank me later.
__________________________
Dear Polly,
My boss promised me a promotion and a huge raise. That was two weeks ago. What should I do?
Waiting patiently,
The Ladder Climber
Dear Climber,
Sounds like the joke was on you. If your boss or HR ever promises you something, get it in writing. Otherwise, you will be writing. To people like me, in advice columns.
___________________________
Dear Polly,
I’m always losing socks in the laundry. All the time. Please help.
Frustrated,
The Barefooted Bungler
Dear Barefoot,
Buy ten pairs of the same socks. Make it twenty. Nobody notices what socks you are wearing unless they have some sort of a fetish. And if that is the case, distance yourself from that sock-fetish person. In any case? Buy lots of the same socks. It makes it easier to make pairs, and as they wear out, you can throw the socks away individually rather than as a pair. Laundry becomes a snap.
Not to toot my own horn, but I’ve never lost a sock. Except once when I was six years old and wanted to make a sock puppet. I sacrificed a sock then. My brother did the sewing.
___________________________
Dear Polly,
I might be shopping too much. My husband says I have to stop buying everything I see, as our basement and garage are full. What can I do?
Worried,
Cart Pusher
Dear Pusher,
Stop shopping. Seriously. But here is a big tip.
Before buying something, ask yourself two questions.
“Where will I store this thing?”
and
“How difficult will it be to clean this thing?”
These two questions will make it much easier to put the item back on the store shelf or to close your internet browser window.
My motto (one of many): Clutter is the enemy.
_____________________________
Dear Polly,
My mom always said when we were growing up, “Do a job right, or don’t do it all.” Now it seems I’m not doing much of anything, because I fear that less than perfect will result in failure. So I don’t do it at all.
Standing still,
Failing Fanny
Dear Fanny,
Take small steps. Whether it is with tidying your home, working out, or plain old working. Getting the job done poorly is usually better than not doing it at all.
Brushing your teeth for 20 seconds is better than not brushing. Exercising for 4 minutes is better than not exercising. Handing in homework with some wrong answers is better than getting a zero for not handing anything in. Paying off some of your credit debt reduces the interest you’ll accrue if you can’t pay it all off. Making a peanut butter sandwich for breakfast is better than not eating.
This can go on and on. Taking a small step will put you closer to where you are going than not taking a step at all. And sometimes, you might look back and realize you accomplished more than you thought you could.
Another helpful hint? Leave things better than when you found them. No matter where you go or what you do. Try to do at least one little thing to leave the world better. Each and every day.
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That would be something along the lines of my advice column.
But I’m not sure those columns are ever such a good thing. Advice is meant to be guidance. But advice is truly just one person’s opinion. And we all have opinions.
We may think we are right.
But. Are we?
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“Adapt what is useful, reject what is useless, and add what is specifically your own.”
― Bruce Lee
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“Don’t ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.”
― Robert Frost
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“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
― Will Rogers
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My advice? Don’t take it.
