I don’t think we have the service here in little old Preble County, Ohio. But I’m not 100% certain. Either way, I’m not dialing the number to find out. That number? 311.
In October 1996, the Baltimore Police Department and AT&T launched a hotline for citizens to call “when there’s urgency, but no emergency,” as the slogan went. It seems people in Baltimore and all around the United States act with certain stupidity at times. And they do things like dial 911 to find out if “there is a law limiting how many times you can flush the toilet.” (Actual call in NYC.)
So, yes. In Baltimore, officials hoped that the new number—311—would ease the strain on 911 operators. Those poor 911 people who were forced to waste time wading through call after call about things like barking dogs, loud music, and graffiti.
As mentioned, Baltimore was the first city to implement 311 as a non-emergency number, and the practice eventually caught on across the country. New York City rolled out its own program in March 2003.
For the first five years, New Yorkers could only reach 311 operators by phone. Now, you can reach them in all sorts of different ways. Their website, Twitter account, or a mobile app. Now, they’ve added texting and Instagram DMs.
I’m sure you’ve guessed it. NYC has had a ton of calls. Over the last two decades, NYC311 has fielded more than half a billion reports across all platforms.
As Mayor Eric Adams wrote in the report, “NYC311 triumphs because it meets New Yorkers where they are.” And sometimes, where they are is in their building stairwell wondering what to do about the goat tied to the railing.
Even with this scaled-down service, people are idiots. They’ve called with requests for information—like who won American Idol, what time Santa Claus lands in Manhattan, and “the steps for boiling a live chicken.” Others were interpersonal grievances, as in “I’d like to report my neighbor for waving to everyone on the block.”
See the rest of the Big Apple’s most absurd complaints and queries below (and be thankful that 911 operators never had to hear them).
Here are a few more of the most absurd calls over the years.
A cat is terrorizing someone through a screen door.
I’d like to file a noise complaint against my refrigerator.
Can I claim my dog as a dependent on my taxes.
How long does a baseball game typically last?
Can I use Medicaid for my cat’s surgery?
Can you check if my boyfriend is married?
A raccoon is eating lasagna on my porch.
Do dogs see in black & white or in color?
I’d like to report a ghost in my window.
If a couple is divorced, can they still live in the same house but in different rooms?
Can someone spray the trees so the leaves stop falling?
Can you transfer me to a “UFO-ologist”?
What is the best pizza near me?
As you can see, people can really be something.
I only hope in many of these cases that the caller was either four years old, or perhaps someone who was having trouble with dementia.
If not?
Well. I guess it takes all kinds.
The main thing that comes to mind, for me, is that people have no sense. They gobble up valuable resources when there are people out there who are truly in trouble and need help.
And, because of their carelessness, the rest of the community is saddled with paying higher taxes because there are large bands of idiots on the loose.
A good lesson for us all. We should think before we speak. And think before we act.
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“Think before you speak. Read before you think.” – Fran Lebowitz
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“Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?” – Rumi
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“Silence is the fence around wisdom.” – German Proverb
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“Thinking before speaking is wisdom, but speaking without thinking is regret.” – Unknown
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Hello. This is 311. What’s your problem, buddy?
